Monday, February 15, 2010

Train Rides.

Train rides are intensely lonely affairs. That is if you're not traveling to see someone. when you're traveling to see someone, train rides are extremely exciting. sadly, I was not. I was going back to the city I secretly loathed. The train was pulling away as I watched her sit in her car. I wanted to still be in the passenger seat.

"This would be better for her" I thought. I'm sure later on someone will tell me that everything will work out the way it should, or that this is how its meant to be. I absolutely hate when people say those things to me. I hate feeling so useless and out of control. I hated this train more than anything.

from a few seats back a child yelled, "daddy, daddy."

I hate children, the father made no attempt to silence the kid.

I sat there still as the train whipped past snow covered landscapes. 15 minutes in my phone buzzed. I jumped, was it her?

the message read "What are we doing friday?" it was from Scott.

My hands numb I replied, "show in Bethlehem. Saturday is Delaware." Scott would like that news, he'd be able to see Gabz, which meant he'd be in a good mood. Which meant I wouldn't try to strangle him like usual.

Friday meant more to me than I had led on to the rest of the band. she'd be there, at least I hoped, I wanted her to hear the songs I'd written about her. The product of the nights I've spent inside, I want to impress her. I'd act awkward and uncomfortable, she'd bring friends and I'd stare from across the room as they talked. She'd take a seat on one of the couches in the corner and I'd want to sit next to her. but I wouldn't. I promised myself i'd be cold and distant in an attempt to make her miss me.

or maybe she wouldn't show up. I'd wonder where she'd be but wouldn't ask.

I was going crazy, I was sure of it. but I didn't care.

I looked back over to the stupid brat and the father.

"It's cold outside, wear your hat." he said, struggling to get the knit cap on the boys tiny skull.

20 minutes later I was out at the station, home sweet home. I hated the cold, I had to piss. goddamnit, I had to piss.

I got back to my room, took care of business and turned on the history channel.

"at least I don't chop fucking wood on TV for a living" I said out loud, "what a stupid fucking life that is."

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I'm useless and replaceable.

Friday, February 5, 2010


She makes me so nervous, and all I want to do is make her happy. I’m tired of counting the bumps in my dorm rooms stucco ceiling waiting for her call. If only I could be on her mind as much as she is mine, if only real life was like the movies. Where all I’d have to do is drink a lot and yell. I’ve been doing that for weeks now and I don’t have much to show. Every spare second of the past 2 weeks I’ve been retracing my mistakes. Like the grains in the wood they don’t lead anywhere. I’d rip my heart out and show it to her if it would make her think twice. But I don’t have the courage. I can’t compete with the prospective suitors that seek her. I can only look at memories and photographs pinned to my wall. Light spoiled Polaroid pictures of a girl I never knew I couldn’t live with out. Second chances don’t come around. Everyone tells me to let it go, maybe she’ll come around, maybe I won’t feel dead inside. But I can’ stand to be alone, She’d be happy with someone else. But I can stomach the idea, wolves in sheep’s clothing. I’ve become a child and a laughing stock, the one that everyone forgets. I don’t mean anything to anyone but her. And when I’m trapped inside under 3 feet of snow all I can do is wait for her call.
If this is what being nineteen is buy me a new suit, shine my shoes and bury me now.