I wish I was dead sometimes

I've become so completely disillusioned with everything over the past weekend. every thing has become so clear to me. I've been asking myself for a while what happened to the huge group of people, of friends, I fell into over the summer of 2008. that I had great experiences with through the winter. It seemed when spring rolled around no one wanted to do anything. everyone disbanded. They had their weed, or their cigarettes or their sports and didn't want to contend themselves with a hanger-on that would be gone in august anyway. Better to cut the ties before a real emotion attachment is made I assume.

The people who used to call me their "best friend" don't want to hang out unless I can get them a drink or do them some other favor. No one is interested, unless superficially, in how I'm doing. but, thankfully, one bothers with that facade much. Its either I'm constantly disappointed, or I'm a constant disappointment. I don't understand which one.

Mostly, no one seems to care about music anymore. I guess people only went to shows because they were fucking someone playing. or wanted to fuck someone playing. absolutely no one shows interest, its like pulling teeth to even ask these kids to come out. maybe I was wrong and this group wasn't built around liking music. maybe it was built around Wing Night, and I'm just fucking stupid. Maybe I'm just expecting too much.

"I'm not around, I just don't see everything's the same." or so I've heard. but if anyone believes that their lying to themselves. I can't possibly believe that It just happens that no one gives a shit only on the days I'm around to see it. especially when those days are the weekends.

This isn't the first time I've felt like this. I felt like this since school ended in the summer. I've been trying to push these feelings to the very back of my mind. hoping that they'll go away and everything will come around again. but It just ain't happening. I'm alone. completely.